What is this i feel?

Hate
this vile unrepentant energy
that courses through my veins
Anguish
this nefarious understanding that i cannot have
what belongs to another
this realisation that i may only want it
because i can never have it
pain
this settling of despondency
in my heart
that threatens to rule me
hope
this awareness
that i know
thus i can change

Deluded innocence

a delusion so flowery in youth
enamored by a social implanted consciousness of "innocence "
i fancied myself a waif, a wreath without thorns
if you would please
and when that innocence was taken from whence it came,
i reacted as i was fashioned to,
with cries and imaginings of lost glory and such
self imposed trauma (that i was supposed to feel).
no longer whole (because i wasn't supposed to be)
he had taken something from me (as if he really had that power)
shame on me, for i had lost that Magical shit that
made me.. defined me once my mother was told i was me.
me being female and weak, an inanimate earthly entity of sorts
Would that i knew then what i know now
blind i was to the true reality
that, the shit was not me
I am me
I would have gladly skipped the woeful self pitying of deluded innocence lost